How to Plan a Wedding without Losing Your Mind (or being an Asshole)

In 2011, Art and I attended ten (that's right, ten) weddings between the two of us, then on January 21, got married ourselves. Now weddings, as I've written about before, can make you crazy, so I thought I'd pass along some things I learned during the process.

Remind yourself (over and over), that it's just a party.

Because that's all it really is. While marriage is a big, scary hairy deal, a wedding is a fun party to celebrate making the decision to take on that big scary mess with (hopefully) the support of a bunch of people who love you and the person you're marrying. So have fun.

People who pay have a say.

If you're going to accept money from other people to pay for your wedding, you're also going to have to accept their input, so be prepared for that. That's not to say you should compromise on every single thing you had envisioned for the day, but don't forget to throw a bone to the people who are shelling out a lot of money for the event. For example, if you don't love daisies and your mother insists on them, suck it up and put some damn daisies in the bouquet (and some extra ones in her corsage). If that doesn't sound like it's going to work (say, the person who would be paying insists on your fiance converting to a different religion or something else that's not acceptable to you), pay for the wedding yourself.

Be grateful for the help you're getting, no matter how big or small.

Or, as my father said during his wedding toast, "Don't be an asshole."

Get clear budget guidelines, then take the money and run.

If you are going to be receiving help paying for the wedding, try to get some really clear boundaries around what that help looks like (and what, if any, strings are attached). Don't assume you're on the same page and start throwing down nonrefundable deposits. Now, I don't know how Art and I got so lucky, but if you can get the people helping you to just give you the money upfront and wish you luck, think of it as the best wedding present you could ever receive. Unless you're super into going over every line item of your budget and negotiating/questioning it with your parents every week sounds like a fun time to you.

Set the guest list first.

Now that you've gotten all that awkward talking about money done and figured out what your budget will be, decide whom you're going to invite. There really isn't too much you can do, planning-wise, until you know how many people are going to be there, and you really don't want to have to go through the frustration of booking a reception hall only to realize it's too small or you can't afford the cost per plate with the size of your guest list.

Then pare that list down.

The rule of thumb we tried to use was that if we hadn't seen someone in over a year or they hadn't met both of us, think twice. There were, of course, exceptions to this rule, but it really helped us think clearly about who it was important to have in the room on that day. Also, paring the list down will inevitably come in handy when all those people paying (who, remember, have a say), have additions to make.

Pick a few "big ticket" items that are important to you and let the rest go.

When you start planning a wedding, you discover that there are an infinite numbers of ways you can spend money on that wedding. Assuming you don't have an infinite amount of money to spend, some of those things are going to have to go, and deciding what they're going to be and putting them out of your mind early saves a lot of stress. Also, I think doing a few things really well makes for a more fun party. For me and Art, what was important to us was getting a photographer we loved, providing transportation to our guests, and having something the guests could drink for free (that something being Premium and boxed wine; we're not fancy) all night. Everyone's priorities are different; just figure out what yours are and stick to your guns.

If something isn't making the party more enjoyable for you or your guests, nix it.

If having something like centerpieces is stressing you out, just don't have them. I promise your guests won't care (or even notice).

Put some wiggle room in your budget.

I used to plan events for a living, and whenever I was quoted a price for something, I added 30% in my head. There are hidden fees and unexpected budget mishaps everywhere. Having a cushion makes it a lot less stressful when something unexpected happens.

No matter how hard you try, somebody is going to think you're doing it wrong.

Things you think are no big deal are going to horrify some people, and that's okay. There's no way you're going to please every single person there, and I'm pretty sure people who get offended by say, there not being a bouquet toss, probably have too much time on their hands. If you really think something nontraditional you're planning is going to cause an uproar, just don't tell people about it. On the day of, they'll either not notice it or get over it.

Your wedding party is composed of people. Treat them as such.

When you asked your friends and family members to participate in your wedding, it was probably because they are important people in your life you wanted to share a very important moment with, correct? So they're honored guests, not slaves, right? Got it? Okay. That being said...

People really do want to help you.

So accept that help. I was really terrible about this, but a lot of people are actually pleased, even honored, to be asked to do something. So you wanted a photo slide show but don't have a scanner? Don't have time to lay out your programs? Someone else can own that. (But then don't be an anal retentive, nitpicky jerk about the results. If you're an anal retentive, nitpicky jerk, you're probably better off doing everything yourself.)

Be creative about cutting corners.

And by "cutting corners," I mean both in the amount of money you're spending and the amount of work you have to do. Not only did I save money by using our dessert as our centerpiece (and serving cupcakes instead of a cake that needed to be sliced, avoiding hundreds of dollars in plating fees), but I didn't have to worry about centerpieces, which I didn't really care about.

So there you have it. Hopefully this helps a few people out there retain their sanity during what is both a very happy and very stressful time in their lives. Now on to drinking all the beer some of our amazing guests got us as a wedding gift...